


who I am is not who I wanna be

by Bara_no_Uta



Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [23]
Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Can be read standalone, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining, Post-Ending E (NieR: Automata), Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27796450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: When they approached, Jackass’ eyes widened as though she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She rushed toward them, quickly closing the distance so she could confirm: “White? Is… that really you?”---After being repaired, White visits Jackass for the first time since becoming Commander, accompanied by 6O.
Relationships: 6O/Commander White (NieR: Automata), Jackass & Commander White (NieR: Automata)
Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892593
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	who I am is not who I wanna be

When they approached, Jackass’ eyes widened as though she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She rushed toward them, quickly closing the distance so she could confirm: “White? Is… that really you?”

“Yes. It’s me.” Used to 6O’s casual affection, she was almost inclined to give Jackass a hug. But she had never used to be touchy like that, so she wasn’t sure how it would be received.

Her expression filled with relief. “They told me you were dead. How…?”

She looked at 6O, who she assumed knew more about it than she did herself. After all, only one of them had been awake during the repair process.

Truthfully, by the time 6O had arrived, they had already taken care of most of it, though, so she didn’t actually know much more than White did herself. “They found her and repaired her! The Bunker fell to Earth, but it seems like all that metal protected her body. And now that the machines are all gone, apparently the virus is too?”

Some of that seemed a little convenient, but if strange coincidences were working in her favor for once, Jackass wasn’t going to complain. “Well, it’s good to see you again.”

“You, too.” There was so much she wanted to say, but didn’t know how. After a while on the Bunker, she had started to think she would never be allowed to see Jackass again – and to her credit, she had almost been right in that, had it not been for things the Bunker’s creators hadn’t taken into consideration. Having accepted that, it was almost unbelievable that she was able to be reunited with her like this. At the same time, there was so much to catch her up on, and she wasn’t even sure she wanted to talk about much of it.

Meanwhile, now that she had confirmed that what she was seeing really was real, Jackass smirked as she looked at White and 6O’s joined hands. “By the way, White. Gonna introduce me to your girlfriend?”

6O blushed, but White was quick to release her hand in response, self-consciousness winning over her desire for the contact. “She’s not my girlfriend,” White corrected, intentionally not looking at 6O. “Just a friend.”

6O’s face fell, and she looked down at the ground in an effort to hide it. It wasn’t as if she had thought there was something more between them right now, but White had been so quick to deny it. Did that mean she was opposed to the idea? That she found it ridiculous or insulting or disgusting to date someone like her? She knew she wasn’t strong like most of the other units… Maybe White didn’t think she was worth dating, and that really was why she had rejected her.

Jackass made a face as she looked between the two. She was pretty sure this was just White’s “pretending I’m too cool for feelings” act, as she viewed it, but the unit she’d been holding hands with looked genuinely hurt. …She couldn’t be a combat model, Jackass couldn’t help but to think. Someone whose feelings bruised so easily, and who wore her heart on her sleeve… usually traits like that didn’t make it out of the battlefield, one way or another.

“Anyway. Jackass, this is 6O. She was one of the YoRHa. 6O, this is Jackass. She and I were friends… before I was selected to be Commander of the YoRHa.”

6O had already put those pieces together, but having it confirmed still felt like a surprise. She had known that White wasn’t a YoRHa model, but since she never talked about having a life before the Bunker, 6O had just assumed that she had been created just for the purpose of being their Commander. “It’s nice to meet you, Jackass.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you, too.” She offered a smile. “So White, how’ve you been?”

Until very, _very_ recently, she had been dead, so the question felt almost comical. But since she knew intellectually that both of these two had missed her – even if she couldn’t understand why, and honestly thought they were better off without her – she decided that wasn’t something she should make a joke about right now. “I only just came back, and I suppose I’ve been settling in. How about you? Not getting into too much trouble, I hope?”

“Nah. Out here in the desert is perfect, ‘cause no one cares when I blow shit up! In the city ruins, you know, they’re all ‘preservation of human culture’ and whatever – like we have any real reason to care about the humans anyway.”

Assuming that neither Jackass nor 6O knew about the extinction of mankind, White thought that referred to the common belief that androids had been abandoned by the humans on the moon. Better not to even get into that, she decided. White shook her head. “You and your explosions. Well, so long as you aren’t jeopardizing anybody’s safety – _including your own_ , you know – I suppose I’ll look the other way.”

A laugh escaped her. After so many months of White being dead and believing she would never be able to see her again, even hearing that stuffy attitude, which was so like her, made Jackass happy. “Yes, Ma’am,” she teased.

“By the way, I’m sorry I didn’t mail you more often. I—I became aware fairly early on that my mail communications were being monitored, and I wasn’t allowed to speak freely.” White kept her voice even and her expression neutral, no matter how much it reminded her of the betrayal and pain she had felt more and more as she began to learn about her role as Commander.

“Damn. No wonder you didn’t say much. I thought you were just busy, with so many units to monitor.” Reading between the lines, she could surmise that meant there had been things that were not going well, or that bothered White for one reason or another, that she had wanted to share but not been able to. She wondered what things had really been like on the Bunker. Based on the records she had found, it seemed there were a number of things that had been kept from White… but maybe now wasn’t the time to get into that.

White averted her eyes. “I was often busy, as well. But that wasn’t the main reason.”

She wanted to know more, but with White having only just come back, now didn’t really feel like the right time. “For now, how ‘bout I give you a tour around the desert? I mean, it pretty much all looks the same, but… I can blow some stuff up, too!”

A small smile appeared on her lips, amused by Jackass’ antics. “You and your explosions. Sure, a tour sounds like fun – 6O?”

If she remembered correctly, this must have been where 2B had found that desert rose she had shown her, way back on the Bunker. “I’d love to! Can you show us where the desert roses are?”

“Sure, why not? It’s a bit of a trek, but I assume we’ve all got time.”

Nothing but time, White thought wryly. Oh, come to think of it, she should explain to Jackass why she wasn’t trying to get some time to catch up privately with her oldest friend… “Truth be told, some of the former YoRHa don’t trust me, so 6O has been tasked with keeping me out of trouble.”

“You, getting into trouble? There’s an idea.” She snorted. White was the least likely to get into trouble of basically anyone she had ever met. As for why they didn’t trust her, Jackass was curious, but the question felt personal and she wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to ask. For now, if White wanted to share she would, she decided.

“Yes, well.” She didn’t get into trouble on purpose, but her tendency to follow authority was a large part of what had gotten her into this situation, so it wasn’t something she wanted to be reminded of. But Jackass was right that this was not something she wanted to talk about right now, and she was grateful that the matter wasn’t pushed.

The three made their way across the desert.

“Y’see this pipe here? There’s these all the way across the desert. They’re kinda cool looking, even though they’re useless. Sometimes you can find bugs hiding inside them, if that’s something you want!”

White rolled her eyes, though the gesture was playful. “Why in the world would I want _bugs?_ Should I take this as indication you’ve been experimenting on bugs?”

Jackass intentionally ignoring the question was an answer itself. “I suspect that ancient humans might have used pipes like these to transport water, since there are records that suggest this used to be a desert even way back then.”

That actually made quite a bit of sense. White looked at 6O and explained, “Jackass is a brilliant analyst, when she chooses to put it to good use.”

“When have I ever not put it to good use?” As she asked this, Jackass grinned, knowing full well that she was setting herself up. She had missed the playful banter that she used to have with White, back when they worked together, and this was her way of assuring White that she was happy to pick things back up right where they had left off. Sure, they had barely talked for the past few years since YoRHa was created, but when you’ve known each other for over two centuries, a few years is nothing.

“Hmm…” Picking up on Jackass’ tone, White exaggerated pretending to think it over. “For example, constantly blowing things up, poisoning one of my units as a joke, and making drugs?”

She laughed heartily. “Hey now, you’re gonna make 6O think I’m a bad guy, here!”

Back then, she used to be able to keep up with the banter easily, but now, White found herself pausing. Maybe it was because she saw herself as a ‘bad guy’ and couldn’t quite bring herself to risk making someone else feel that way, even as a joke… or maybe it was because she simply wasn’t the same person she used to be.

6O had been enjoying the opportunity to see a new side of White, but seeing her expression fade into her neutral mask, she decided to step in for her. “Oh, no, I don’t think that at all. You and White are friends, so I’m sure you couldn’t be a bad person.”

When 6O spoke, Jackass took note of the change in White’s demeanor and became more serious. “Well, good. I’m glad you get me,” she said to 6O, one last, half-hearted playful comment while she tried to figure out how to respond to White. After a while of thinking, she assured her, “White, it’s okay. You didn’t actually make me feel bad. I was just teasing you.”

White’s gaze was focused on the scenery around them, avoiding eye contact. “Right.” She knew Jackass was telling the truth, but without knowing why she had suddenly found it hard to continue… well, she couldn’t explain what she didn’t even know.

6O started to reach for White’s hand, but still feeling hurt about earlier, she held back.

There were a variety of things that Jackass considered herself good with, but navigating emotional situations was definitely not one of them. She was observant and analytical enough that she wasn’t so bad at noticing when someone was feeling some type of upset, but understanding what it was about or what would be helpful to say to the person was really not her strong suit. She wanted to cheer her up, but didn’t know how.

Not knowing what else to do, Jackass decided to just continue the tour. “That spot over there leads to a small tunnel. It used to be blocked off, but I blew it up a while back.”

“You really like explosives, huh?” 6O asked, amused. She wondered then if it was upsetting for White to hear about things exploding, since she would remember the Bunker exploding… Maybe that’s what was on her mind?

“I mean, what’s not to love? The sound, the flash! They’re awesome! Plus, it’s super convenient. Nothing can get in your way when you can just blow it up!”

She wanted to laugh, but the truth was that she was still feeling concerned about White, who was continuing to act distant. She wanted to hold her hand and reassure her, but she wondered if White didn’t actually want to hold hands with her anymore.

“Here we go – there should be some desert roses here, but watch your step!”

White unconsciously got closer to 6O, worrying that she could fall into the quicksand and get hurt. After all, there was no backup data now. She wanted to keep her safe, but given that she wasn’t a combat model herself, a YoRHa model like 6O – even a non-combat model – probably had a better chance at crossing successfully than she did. Yet, she found herself moving to 6O’s other side, ensuring that if 6O fell, she could catch her before she fell into the quicksand.

This protective gesture didn’t go unnoticed, and made 6O feel a little better. Whatever the reason for White’s quick reaction earlier, she could tell from this that it wasn’t about disliking her. 6O reached out to hold White’s hand, watching her shoulders relax as the gesture was accepted. White… really did seem to care about her, even if it wasn’t romantic. That comforted her quite a bit.

“6O, don’t forget to watch your step,” White prompted, feeling 6O’s gaze on her.

She blushed. “R-Right. Sorry.”

Jackass was used to traversing this terrain and was far ahead of them. When she found a desert rose, she called out to them: “I found one!”

Knowing that 6O would be tempted to rush ahead to get there faster in her excitement, White squeezed her hand gently and reminded her, “Let’s keep our pace.”

6O smiled, understanding that worrying about her was one of the ways that White showed she cared. “Yeah.”

When the two of them reached the desert rose, 6O gasped. “It’s so beautiful! I mean, it was beautiful in the picture 2B sent me, but seeing it up close…!” She crouched down and touched its bright pink petals. Flower petals were so soft. She looked to Jackass. “Is it okay if I take this one so I can grow more?” Maybe she would have to start another garden in the desert to get it to grow, since A2 had said plants sometimes could only grow in one environment, and it _was_ called a ‘desert rose.’ But since maintaining her garden was one of her favorite things to do, she didn’t mind starting another one.

“Uh, sure, I guess. Have at it.” Jackass wasn’t sure if a YoRHa model would actually have a skill like that, but Devola and Popola had collected desert roses all the time and they still grew back, so it didn’t really change anything. Come to think of it, Devola and Popola hadn’t been through in quite a while. She wondered why they didn’t need the flowers anymore – they never had actually told her what they were for.

6O materialized the sword she had been carrying, just in case it was needed for self-defense, and used it to carefully cut off the head of the flower. For now, she put it in her bag. Flower seeds in particular were often quite tiny, and between the wind here and all the sand, it would be easy to drop and lose them if she were to extract the seeds right now.

“You’ve really learned what you’re doing in that garden,” White commented. Maybe for someone who gardened regularly, something like this was simple, but even knowing where to find seeds in a flower was definitely not common knowledge among androids nowadays.

She beamed at the praise. “Yeah! I know how to do almost all of it myself now, at least until the plants are full-grown.” Intentionally, she made no mention of the one who taught her. It was clear that A2 brought up bad memories for White, and she didn’t want to do that if it could be avoided.

Once 6O had collected the flower, they went back to the rest of the desert. Jackass motioned to the space around them. “Anyway, this is basically the area that I hang out in. There’s a couple of places to fish, if you’re into that like some people, but it’s a pain to get to them.” The oil field wasn’t so bad, although it was pretty far, but she really didn’t feel like going to the oasis.

“Thank you for showing us around,” White said. She took note of the time on her internal clock and added, “We should probably get back to camp for the night, but I’d like if we could talk again soon.”

“Yeah, ‘course. Where are you staying? I’ll come bug you sometimes.”

“Right now we’re staying at the Resistance camp while they make another bed for me to stay in at 6O’s base.”

6O was about to explain where she was staying, but got an idea. Since her chips were that of an H-type, it should be possible for her to access Jackass’ map data directly and mark it on there. “Can I mark it on your map data?”

Having someone she didn’t know very well access her data wasn’t the most comfortable of ideas, but she would notice if 6O tried something funny, and anyway… White seemed to trust her, so she’d take that as indication 6O was trustworthy. “Sure.”

It took her a second since it was her first time doing this, but fortunately, the knowledge was programmed into her chips. “There you go! This is where I’m staying.”

“Thanks.” She offered a smile and a wave. She wished she could offer some words that would make White feel better, since she could tell her friend was troubled by something, but she didn’t know what to say. “I’ll see you soon.”

“See you soon,” White said.

“Bye, it was nice meeting you!” 6O added, waving back cheerfully.

Even if she couldn’t cheer White up herself, she had a feeling this bubbly unit could do the job. Because even if White denied it, she could tell that there was something between them, so they had to be pretty close. “Nice meeting you, too.”

With that, White and 6O left the desert. Once they were out of earshot from the desert Resistance camp, White asked, “By the way, 6O. Earlier, you seemed upset… What’s wrong?”

She felt embarrassed that White noticed, even as another part of her felt touched that she had cared enough to notice and ask about it. Because of that, she decided to open up to her about it, even as a self-conscious part of her thought she was being ridiculous and worried that White could think the same. She laced her fingers together and fidgeted her hands in front of her body. “When Jackass thought we were girlfriends… it seemed like you hated that idea. I know you don’t like me in that way, but I got worried that maybe… you didn’t like me at all.”

While she tended to keep her emotions to herself, hints of guilt and sadness could be seen in White’s eyes. She stopped, taking 6O’s hands in her own. It wasn’t what came naturally to her, but she knew that 6O seemed most reassured by touch. She started to open her mouth to respond, then hesitated, her gaze conflicted. Finally, she settled on, “I think highly of you and I enjoy your company. I promise you, it was not at all because of not liking you; that simply isn’t true.”

6O smiled, squeezing her hands. The fact that White didn’t disagree that she exclusively liked her as a friend didn’t escape her, but her happiness at being able to at least be friends with White won out over the twinge of disappointment. “Thank you.”

The truth was that White did reciprocate 6O’s feelings. She always had… but on the Bunker, it wouldn’t have felt appropriate for her to enter into a relationship with one of the units she commanded, and… she really didn’t deserve 6O’s love. 6O was the kindest, most loving person she knew, and surely deserved so much better than someone like her.

As they started walking again, a realization belatedly occurred to White as she thought over 6O’s reactions and phrasing. Was it possible that 6O was still in love with her, even after all this time? How? Why? She thought about this all the way back to the camp.

When they arrived and went to the room they were sharing for now, 6O went to one bed and White the other. Even now, those questions were on White’s mind. But if she were to ask 6O about it without revealing that she reciprocated those feelings, wouldn’t that just be reopening the wound?

If it hurt 6O to believe her feelings were unrequited, considering that this was not in fact true, maybe she should just tell her that. But how could she, when it would mean accepting love she didn’t deserve? …Wasn’t she already doing that, though? Even if it wasn’t necessarily romantic love, 6O was treating her with such kindness that it could undoubtedly be called love.

Then the best solution as far as getting what she deserved would be to push 6O away, but that would mean hurting 6O. She remembered how sad 6O had been earlier when she had pushed her away, and she never wanted to do that again. But then, how could she punish herself?

“Good night, White.”

Deciding to put these thoughts on hold for now, White closed her eyes. “Good night, 6O. …Thank you, again. For earlier.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome. That’s what friends are for, you know? Anytime you’re feeling sad… I’m here for you.”

White took a long breath as she chose her next words carefully. “You, as well. If you’re feeling upset, I’d like to offer support.”

She smiled, knowing that it wasn’t easy for White to be so forthcoming about her feeling and appreciating the effort. “Thank you.” Having said that, 6O waited a little longer to make sure there was nothing else White wanted to talk about, then put herself into sleep mode.

In the silence, she could hear 6O’s automatic respiration slow, signaling that she was in sleep mode. White followed suit soon after.


End file.
